I used to think that heartbreak was exaggerated...now i know its really not, its the worst fucking feeling in the world and i would pay millions to be rid of it. I am in half, I am not myself, and its so much worse because I wished for this. I once wished to be able to be independant, I wished to be able to have fun and feel like myslef all be myself. But I miss her.
I want her so much it drives me insane. No matter how much of a fun night out I have, i go to sleep thinking of her and wake up the same, with the same sickening feeling, that I done this to myself, and that I hurt her (its that I cant bear). I wish I was him. I wish I could satisfy her. i wish I could make her laugh like I hear them, night in, night out, here or there (it doesnt go away). Im told this doesnt last for long but im scared it will, because I know I cant stop loving her that easy. If I had her now, in my arms, safe and sound, I would tell her that I will be there, by her side, through anything, that i would support her dreams no matter how challenging (if you wanted to go to the moon I would back you on it). I would tell her that because its the truth, we are meant to be. I would hold her tight and tell her that she would never want for anything, ive learnt my lesson and I want her to be happy, that is all, ever. Id fucking die for that beautiful girl. No love can be stronger than this...im quite sure of that.
I know she doesnt feel the same.
my first proper payday, and i didnt even fancy a domino's pizza. how fucking tragic. so now i have money i can.... stop looking like a ragdoll, eat nice food that has some flavour, ask for 'dry white wine' instead of 'house white wine', see friends in faraway places, fill the holes in my teeth, and not have to go to the cinima on the buyonegetonefree day! 'citing! I think ill also treat oscar wilde (my beloved hamster) to a larger cage and a vitamin chew. He'll be chuffed.
Im looking forward to the summer, I think we should all (absolutly everyone) go camping for a week, somewhere empty, so we can make noise and be big kids. We can load as many cars as we have together up with drink and funstuff, get ellies cowboy teepee, and just go somewhere. Mabey by the sea? I will of course pretend to myself im in the famous five (the uncut version prehaps?).
sitting here running a ward by myself,i wonder if they realise i feel like an 11year old with no clue? i fucking hate night shifts.busy until 1am, then nothing to do for 7 hours. i try to read but my eyes close too easily...and i get far too cold. also, some idiot keeps pressing the emergency call bell, causing me to sprint (or attempt to at least) down the corridor with my heart in my mouth, and there she sits 'can i have two portions of veg with my meal tomorrow?' christ woman, its 2am!,why are you even thinking of veg?
january has been good to me so far, i have been to the beach, a tapas bar, a jazz night at the rhubar, slept quite alot, and sorted my 'bits and bobs draw' out. that is my favourite thing to do cleaning-wise as you always find a good piece of treasure. this weekend is shit though as my girl is in luton, and im stuck here. i find it so hard being alone, i get too restless. tv is boring, music cant be played loud enough, and in order to begin my reading list i must work at a sensible hour so the library is open. im stuck on practising one of my magic tricks and have turned into an impatient child, packed it all back in its box along with the frustration. wednesday should be nice, going to brighton to stay over at harriets hot friends house after dancing alot and going on the waltzers. i do love those waltzers. if anybody would like to join us for the day let us know x
only 20minutes have passed. dear god.
im back to livejournal, has been a while. greetings and happy new year everybody, hope you are all well.
now lets get back into this thing with a review of the year;
2006 was a good year for me, i done some things like...
> turned 21
> got a job and registration as a midwife
> paid no rent all year and nearly got away with it
> kept oscar wilde, my hamster, alive and well
> got a telescope
> made some new friends who i like very much, chris being the best
> got drunk and danced alot
i havent really made any new years resolutions, apart from read more and smoke less but they are things i like doing at the same time so im sure i can find a compromise with both. i also want to get the hell out of basingstoke and move to brighton sometime this year, i think about that alot and have decided it is something i need to do. im enjoying work, but its such hard work, and busy. yesterday i worked 16hours straight with 2 fag breaks, i didnt sit down at all except for once and that was on the toilet. i looked after three pretty ill women, one of which was fucking huge, weighing 22stone, and very smelly. now i dont mind working hard at all, but then finishing work and stepping out onto the streets of basingstoke is enough to finish anybody off. that town has no soul. other things i am going to do this year include... go see katie in austria, go to new york with ellie for her 21st (!!!), get through my booklist (all typed and ready on my myspace), stop obsessing about a certain older woman, get up to manchester to see ellen and natalie, go to the dentsit to get my 8month old hole filled in, and pay off some debt. i cant wait til chris comes home and tells us of his adventures! all together again. ive missed that reliable 'quizzing it tonight?' message every monday .
whenever i sit at a computer i start singing dolly parton nine to five, without even thinking it. its really quite tragic.
So, ladies and gentlemen, tis good to be back
night night x
it makes me mad, there is such a lot of crap around you have to wonder... for example the guy who wrote the following article, does he think he's doing something good? all that time to do something good and he sits there and writes that? what a naive brainwashed prat.
havent got much to 'update' on really. looking forward to moving into the hospital accommodation again, even though from the outside it looks like a house made of lego and left in the sun for hundreds of years to fade away, a 2 second walk to work is always nicer than a half hour drive at 6am. work is going well, getting my confidence and doing things on my own is kinda fun, but scary. last week i delivered 2 babies with no help at all (Matthew & Grace). i also went crabbing at the seaside this weekend, we caught 11 crabs, and wasted a nice bit of bacon. is anyone going to edinburgh to demonstrate? we wanted to, but its a little far to go when you only have £2.31 in the bank. bet the atmosphere will be fucking amazing up there!
hope to be in luton soon to see evryone before we go on holiday, take care all x
didnt want to leave that cosy room with the broken everthing,
<3 you miss o, our pirate adventures are sure to be a great sucsess!
next week.... nacho's, planetarium, better music, and dancing! yes.
5 days to go until the manics!!!! oh yes.
it was sunny today,
it was sunny when i woke up,
and sunny when i walked to the shop,
sunny as i gathered things for a picnic,
and the moment i sit down with my chocolate donut & pepsi...
big fucking grey clouds everywhere to be seen.
so we pack up our picnic
go back inside, turn on the tv and run a hot bath
guess what peeps out from behind the big bad clouds?
summers coming everyone...
bring out the sunblock and paint your toenails,(but take a jumper in your bag, just in case).
so here i am, sitting in bed with the window open. i think i may be getting a little too old to sit cross legged now, 5 minutes ive been sitting like this, and now my knees refuse to bend.
Its my birthady in may, a perfect oppertunity to get everbody smiling again.what would be more fun?....
* a weekend at the seaside with friends, a b&b and a sandy beach
* going to a theme park for the day
* a murder mystery weekend
* a big bbq in the garden with alchohol and pretty dresses
i still believe in magic y'know....
its all make-believe, thats what magic consists of, but that doesnt mean its not real.
like... butterflies in your stomach, that must be magic right? or days when you can see the moon aswell as the sun, hot air balloons, an eight year olds imaginary friend, lucky numbers, smoke rings.
i sometimes feel as if my life is passing by far too quickly, that there isnt enough time for me to do all the things i have to do, let alone want to do. i have a compulsive habit, where everything needs to have another, nothing can be on its own, a person, an animal, an object. nothing can ever feel lonely. i worry that one day i wont even have time to pair things up, that mabey ill forget, and someone i love will become lonely. i used to think that i was afraid of being alone, but im not, its you im afraid of becoming lonely, and you and you. i guess if we all believe in a little magic, have a little imagination, then we will never be completely alone? im not talking about who you think i am, im talking about anyone.
one day we will look up and the world will be different, we will be 'old', we will be the ones that moan and reminise about the old times, we should remember the irrelevant things, and the things that make us smile now, so that we can smile then. we should get together and forget the things that make us sad, or angry, they wont make memories, they arent magic.
THE SQUIRREL JOKE!
Just because youre profane doesnt mean youre not
hilarious. Youre the unique kind of joke
people remember for a long time.
Which Eddie Izzard Joke Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh i fucking love mr izzard <3
Umm, havent updated in a while as not had alot to say? hope everyone is well. ive just been driving lots, falling asleep at uni, having strange dreams about girls i dont know, and cooking chilis for the past month. Have lots of work to do, but dont want to think about that right now. Ive delivered 11 bubs now, nearly all girls, nearly all fat, all gorgeous though. Knowing the scuzz-town i work in, itll only be another 14 years untill im delivering their children. ? .
I may have to watch a bit of eddie tonight now, does anyone have his 'glorious' video? if so may i borrow it, pretty pretty please? ill love you forever and you can come to my birthday party, i promise.